There’s been a dispute in my mind.
An argument I seem to have lost and won.
This post is as a result of my new goal to be a bit personal on the blog once in a while. We are all human beings go through phases, emotions, ups and downs in this rollercoaster ride called life.
I, in particular, seem to have a double rollercoaster ride and I don’t know who’s in this with me. I was once told that I exist as an irony. The opposite of myself — Introvert and extrovert, rude and polite, friendly and snobbish, lively and dull, confident but to some (still don’t get how), shy. I think I’m on the fence; neither one or the other…existing as both at the same time — ambiversion.
I’m a happily sad person. I love my solitude, some may call loneliness. I love company and I sometimes dislike people. If I spend too much time alone, I get bored, I love my friends to be around me but I don’t like to feel obligated to have people around me. I’m an open puzzle. If you want to figure me out you would. You’d understand that I remain a puzzle… you’d figure that I’m a puzzle and that’s as good as it gets. I like that because I love my mystery and I love mystery.
The littlest things make me smile. Those “littlest” things still make me cry. I’m confident in my insecurities, but still strife to be as perfect as I can be… doesn’t mean I’m insecure. I love myself, but I seek for approval… low-key.
I want people to accept me, I don’t want to disappoint anyone. The fear of disappointment lurks within, but in event that I do not get accepted, or so disappoint someone, I face it head on and not care about what others think of me. The fear of it happening is what hunts me, not the happenings. I don’t go looking for troubles, problems, or challenges, but when they come, I don’t back away.
I smile a lot and I frown a lot. I back away from people but as soon as you say hello to me, you could be my best friend. Some people think I’m overly confident, but half the time, I’m nervous. I have people also asking me “why are you shy?”. If there’s one thing I know, is that I’m not shy…at least I think so…. wonder how that question still comes up.
I feel bad about my hair. That’s a story for another day. I hate leaving my hair out. I keep saying I’m trying to love my hair and it’s true… I am. It’s working.. I think.
I hate phone calls. They put me on a spot I don’t like being in. Except it’s just a quick call to find out something or you’re like my closest friend. It’s easy for me to decide to ignore a call… but I’m working on that. It’s like I’m on a hot sit and I have to articulate my thoughts quickly or fail to represent myself correctly. I’d rather we see face-to-face or you text or give me a memo before calling. Texting gives me time to think of answers and avoid awkward silences, I can also keep doing other things while talking to you. I think it’s me over thinking things…
I don’t like parties, but I like going out. I love weddings, eat-outs, dinners, luncheons, meetups, but you’d never see me in a club or out drinking and dancing… basically partying… except with closest friends or people I feel at home with.
I hate auditions. I practice so hard but get there and do nothing. The fear of doing badly remains even when I know I can do it. But I’d love being in a dance group or a singing group… even acting too. I’ve shied away from anything that requires me doing an audition.. But guess what…soon I’d be doing an audition for the drama group of my faculty.
Let’s see how that goes…
I love you guys.
Here’s to us figuring out our lives.
I remain on the fence 🥂